When the minister, pastor, clergy person is one grieving.
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| At the Pulpit |
It is my privilege to be in ministry at Trinity Memorial United Church in Abbotsford BC. I have serve at this church for just over 2 years. The congregation is my community of support and my community to support. Mostly my role is one of supporting but life somethings turns things around and this Fall I found myself on different side of the path of the journey of Life.
Part of my ministry is accompanying folks
on the journey of grief. I have been
with families in the sacred moments of the last breath of their loved
ones. I have offer compassion, support and
guidance to individuals and families as they face the existential reality of
death. In the midst of these it has
been my task to help folks find meaning, comfort and hope. To do this I have the words and wisdom of the
Christian tradition, and my own faith and compassion.
Yet now I find myself on the other side of
the conversation with the passing of my own mother. For some time now she had been declining as a
result of her Parkinson’s disease. At the
beginning of the summer she took a step down in wellbeing after a new drug was
introduced in attempt to deal with side effects from her Parkinson’s disease medication. I was away walking a pilgrimage in Spain for
the summer so had put aside my worries until I returned in late August. A few days after my return she had a fall at
home and for nearly a month, until her last day, she remained in the hospital.
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| Peggy Booth Bill's beloved Mother Passed away Sept 19th 2014 |
My personal journey of grief has not
overwhelmed me. I have recognized grief
related symptoms and behaviours and seen the benefits of my experience. Having walked with others in the finals days
of their loved ones I could see the signs in my own mother. There were no real surprises in her journey
for me. No shocks at her increasingly
diminutive body, or at her semi conscious interaction with those around her. I knew what was coming and for that I am
grateful for all those who let me be part of their journeys. Yet this does not mean Greif is not part of
my own journey.
While on my own journey I am stilled called
to walk with others. A week after my
mother memorial I stood with a family to say goodbye to their loved one. A week after that we hosted a large memorial
in our Sanctuary. And now 12 weeks later I have presided at
second memorial, a grave side interment, a All Saints remembrance and a Christmas
service for those in sorrow. I have also
had to announce a number of passing to the congregation of beloved
members. This is the nature of ministry
and any typical 12-week period would likely a similar list.
Two things I have recognized:
The value of the care of the congregation and the importance of remembering my calling. So let me offer an incomplete list of things that have been helpful to me these past weeks and perhaps some insights in the pastoral, spiritual needs of the pastor.
1.
Don’t pretend it hasn’t happen. This
goes both ways. I spoke of my mothers
failing health, placing it in the same context of the failing health of any
friend or family member of the congregation.
This first Sunday after Mom was clearly palliative my wife asked for
prayers. This gave me the opportunity to share with the congregation. “Please keep my family and me in your
prayers.” How can I ask the gathered
worshippers to risk the vulnerability of speaking their prayers if I am
unwilling myself to speak up? It is
always easier to be the giver of compassion than the recipient yet the wholeness
of life will take us do both. At the
best the congregation's response should be to acknowledge but not to seek to
solve.
2. Prepare for the event. I asked my board to be prepared to allow me time off at the time of the memorial, particularly the following Sunday. They agreed with a strong “of course” and we
discussed the upcoming activities and how I might let go of responsibility if
needed. As it turned out my mother’s
memorial took place the day after a community Worship event we had planned with
our neighbouring churches, an event in which I was very excited about but I had
to let it go. The event was a great
success without me. During the two weeks
between my mothers passing and the memorial church leaders affirmed my need to
limit my work. They also agree with the
priority for the time I had available.
So we had prepared together as partners in ministry.
3. Don’t try to be the pastor for the
pastor. Instead encourage the pastor to
connect with trusted colleagues. I let
my parents minister, minister to me.
The best thing folks did for me was send cards and check in. Each day cards arrived at the office, in the
mail or were given to me. It wasn’t
necessarily the words in the cards, though some were very nice, rather it was
care that each card represented.
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| Just some of the many expression of compassion |
By
checking in I mean just ask “how are you doing?” If we have been open about the journey then
there is no need for long conversation about what has happen in my life. Early in my journey I am only willing to say
“OK”. I am OK but I not ready to dance
or answer “Hey I doing Great” The time will come. My grief isn’t special because I am a
pastor. However I believe, as I hope all
clergy do, that the greatest gift is community.
After all Paul wisely explained that in the church, when one suffers,
all suffers and when one rejoices then all rejoice.
4. Be There on the Day: If possible, and
the memorial is open to the public, have someone from the church attend
memorial. I didn’t think much of this
before hand but I was very touched that a few folks from the congregation made
the 40-minute trip to attend my mom’s memorial to show their support and care
for me.
5. Pastoral Care changes: For the month while Mom’s was in the hospital
and for a time afterwards my time was tight with family concerns and I could
not take the time to visit those in need in the congregation to the same degree
as I would usually. I appreciated that
my pastoral care leaders affirmed that this was appropriate. In fact a few of our well connected people
made sure that those in need knew they weren’t being neglected by the minister. During my journey more member visiting took
place. The level of crisis in which I
would become directly involved with a folks was higher than in the past. The understanding of the congregation and the
leadership was critical. The slightest criticism
of neglect would surely have derailed me from OK to Not Well.
6. Over Coping: There are
many more possibilities to consider but one has stood out from my journey. As a minister I have developed skills to tuck
away my grief and sorrow. It is a good
skill to have when caring for a family in grief. My task in the moment is to be the steady one
while others may fall apart. I sometimes
tell folks that at times I wonder if my ministry isn’t to help people cry. Later I can address my own sorrow at the loss
of a beloved elder, or terror at the passing of a child but not while I am the
strength for the family and friends.
The problem this
skill introduces to my own journey of grief is that I can hide from my own
sorrow. Perhaps this is only my issue
and other clergy are able to let it go when they need too, however, I suspect
my colleagues in ministry have encountered this as well. What to do about this over coping? In fact the sorrow and grief will have its
day and in my case maybe it is the two colds, a month of terrible heartburn,
and the asthma flare-up all in a 10-week stretch. What I think needs to be done is the gentle
care and understanding that all people need on this sacred journey.
Here is what the pastor might need to hear: You don’t always
having to be strong? We are with
you? Thank you for being our support
when I needed it? How are you
doing? I may or may not realize why you
are asking but the words of words of love and care just the same?
7. Don't hide the sorrow from the pastor: The other
thing I that was essential was not to be disconnected from the sorrow and suffering of the
members. Being a pastoral presence is in the faith community is an
important part of my identity so to be whole I must be in the midst of the
wholeness of life of the community, which includes the suffering and the
sorrow.
Wrapping it up:
All these points
speak of those two things I have had confirmed during this journey: The value
of a supportive community and the importance of remembering my call to
ministry. These wanderings and wonderings come from my journey and my experience.
I am so grateful for the caring people of Trinity Memorial United during my journey. I hope this may be helpful to others. PEACE and BLESSINGS
I know that my
mother is at peace. I know she is
whole. I know that she now knows all and
understands all. I know that she still
loves.
The words of
Julian of Norwich seem an appropriate summery:
“All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall
be well.”
